You search and you come across me - that has got to be a disappointment

I'm the kind of nerd who LOVES spreadsheets and such and so I find Google Analytics thoroughly entertaining. One part allows you to see how some people ended up on your website by the search words they put into their search engine.

The people who stumble across me fall into 3 categories as you will see below. I think I am safe in saying that 100% of them were disappointed that they ran across a mom blog.

Category 1: Tech N9Ne
For those of you who don't know, he is a rapper for which my husband directs music videos. I have written a few posts about things related to him (here and here) and here is what Google Analytics told me people typed into their search engine and unfortunately for them came across me. Being the wonderful person I am, as a public service I have added some notes in green italics so these people do not walk away without the answers they need.

1) What to wear to a Tech N9NE concert (From what I noticed, not a lot of clothing is necessary)
2) 16 year old at Tech N9NE concert (Probably not the best idea)
3) A mom rap w/ two kids (Not sure what to say about this one. I can't rap, but I have 2 kids)
4) How long does a Tech N9NE concert last (Not long enough)
5) Is a Tech N9NE concert crazy (Yeah, crazy fun)
6) Tech N9Ne concert what to wear (See #1)
7) What should I expect from a Tech N9NE concert (See #5)
8) What songs have they played at the Tech N9NE concerts 2010 (rap songs)

Category #2: Robin's Nests
1) Ants in a robin's nest (That sucks. Try Orkin.)
2) Do they have higher nest for robins (I can't answer this question without more information. Who is they?)
3) What to do when robins mom is gone (Rest assured, my mom has not gone anywhere. I mean she could have left and gone to the store or something but then she will be back.)

Category #3: Miscellaneous
1) KC Parents magazine (It is a rocking magazine that has this amazing freelance writer named Robin. You should totally check them out.)
2) Put cake in ass tube (HUH? Which one of you was searching for that?)
3) Sprained her ankle (ouch. elevate it and put some ice on it. Have two glasses of wine and then go to bed)

The laziest post ever

I'm beat from working like a mad woman yesterday and so I'm going the lazy way out on this blog. This is a cut and paste from one of those things people make you do on Facebook. I did this in January of 2009.

Here are all the things you never wanted to know about me:

1. I had no middle name until I got married
2. I traded down on last names when I got married.
3. I love to clean out closets and have no qualms about throwing anything away
4. I can cross only one eye
5. Some of my best friends in the world are people I have known since I was about 3 years old
6. I do not know how to make a pot of coffee (update May 2010- I have now made a few pots of coffee. Not sure why it took me so long, it is quite easy)
7. I hate painting my toenails because my feet always freeze when I do it
8. I cannot sleep without a down comforter on me no matter what the time of the year is
9. I may have been involved in a drunk late night mugging of a passed out college guy (I did not take the money)
10. I have read about 2 full books since my oldest child was born more than 4 years ago (update May 2010 - daughter is 5 1/2 years now and haven't read any additional books - lots of PEOPLE magazine though)
11. I have never had a cavity (update May 2010 - I had 2 cavities about a year ago. How did I go 30 something years without them and now have them? Not cool.)
12. I never had braces
13. I never ever want my husband to write a song for me or sing to me even though he is the lead singer of a band
14. I love interior design and constantly think about redecorating every room in my house over and over
15. I really hope my children have as great of a life growing up as I did
16. At the time, I was the youngest patient Dick Story had ever put in contacts. Had to get rid of those glasses
17. I recently found out that my mother was actually highlighting my hair when she told me she was doing a "conditioning treatment" on my hair. That started when I was in 5th grade.
18. I can make the most annoying noise on the planet with this fake laugh I do. It drives my husband insane - hence the reason I do it.
19. I did not fill my car up with gas myself until I got to college.
20. I have never gotten a speeding ticket
21. If you give me a word, I can immediately say it back to you backward
22. I once saw Pink Floyd in Venice, Italy
23. My first car was a yellow 1978 Country Squire Station Wagon with fake wood paneling - even though my father owned a car dealership.
24. I was one of the only 2 people who did not get accepted in chorus when trying out in 7th grade.
25. I was an extra (along with the rest of OKC) in the movie Surviving with such stars as Molly Ringwald, the guy from Gremlins (Zach Galligan), River Phoenix, the girl from Poltergeist, Marsha Mason, Paul Sorvino. I wore my brownie uniform in my scene.

Love notes to my guy

Yesterday was the dog's day for their annual visit to the vet and apparently in order to see the their entire picture of health, the vet needed their morning delivery.

I went for a run in the morning and left this note for my husband who was still in bed at the time.




The good news is his day could only get better from then on, right?

P.S. When did I start writing like a serial killer?

Super cool give away - on someone else's blog

I saw this on Momma Amma's blog and I just thought this give-a-way was too cool not to mention. I haven't been reading this blog until now but with the name of it (Let's Have a Cocktail), I'm sure she and I will be fast friends!

This give away is really awesome, I just wonder if I could ever find a photo where my kids are doing something as cool as her kid is in that one! Most of our photos have one if not both of the kids doing a combination of crying/hitting/screaming/picking a nose/etc.

Go here and check out how you can win some personalized art for your wall.

The things people will do so they don't have to hang out with me

I'm training for a 5K. Yes, I do realize how pathetic it is that I have to train to run 3.2 miles but that is my reality. I exercise quite a bit but I just don't run long distances (not that 3 miles is a long distance) - until now.

My friend Erica and I decided to run it together and we decided to train together - eventually moving toward training for a 1/2 marathon. This is going to be so much fun especially since the 1st 5K we signed up for is at night and there is drinking involved afterward. I will totally run to a summer brew/glass of wine/etc.

5K signed up for, running schedule and plan in place, music list downloaded to ipod, cute new shoes and running clothes, we were ready to go. Yay!

Next day, Erica broke her ankle.

See:


She did have a cute pedi going on there though, didn't she?

Geez, if she didn't want to be my running partner she just had to tell me.

My daughter, the super model

Admittedly my daughter did take a modeling course last summer but it was not really what you think of as modeling. It was a great experience where they learned manners, learned about nutrition, about how to take care of their bodies and some tips on fashion. It was extremely age appropriate and in no way taught my daughter to pose for every picture like this:or this (and don't worry she was not let out of the house in this outfit)Because they are not my children, in several of the photos I cropped out other kids. They are all standing next to one another in a normal fashion and smiling sweetly for the camera and then there is a dead space and then my kid in her super model pose. Where does she get this?

Need some gifts? Look no further...

I love jewelry, always have. I got that from my mom. Some of the rings she has could blind you and they are fabulous. When I started having kids my jewelry wearing got put on a back burner until my mother-in-law bought me this awesome bracelet - it was basically a modern day charm bracelet.

I love my bracelet and for awhile I was getting great additions to it each holiday from my in-laws and my husband. It was fantastic because my kids couldn't destroy it but it entertained the heck out of them when we were at a restaurant. When they got restless, I would pull up my sleeve and we would talk about the different charms and where they came from and what they each meant. After awhile I stopped getting new charms and my sad bracelet sits waiting for someone to add to it.

Well check this out! This awesome website, Coppins Gifts, has bracelets similar to the one I have called DaVinci Beads but they are way more affordable! No more waiting for someone to buy the charms for you - you can definitely afford to score these on your own whenever you feel like it. The charms are adorable and there are millions to choose from.

This site has other great things you should peruse as well. I'm loving the My Pillow Pets. We have some road trips in our summer plans (God, help me) and those would be perfect for the kiddos!

Coppins Gifts is definitely a must check site for now on whenever I need to purchase a gift.

My worlds are colliding and it is fantastic

So, I admit it. I watch The Hills - and The City too - don't you judge me. I know you watch stupid TV too. Yours might be a different special kind of dumb, but dumb nonetheless.

If you live under a rock and don't know what The Hills is, it is a ridiculously over the top show about a bunch of obnoxious rich LA twenty somethings. Does Heidi Montag and 438 plastic sugeries in one day ring a bell?

Although I think Heidi looked prettier before and that her face (well her top lip really) resembles a platapus a bit now, I'm not judging her plastic surgeries. Hell, if I had the money and the cajones, I would have oodles of body parts lifted, tucked, sucked out, plumped up and placed back where they originally started. Probably wouldn't do it all in one day though...


But I digress. I love the Hills and don't care what you think about that. I get enough grief from my husband.

As you might know, my whiteboy husband directs rap videos which in itself is really funny. Anywho, while watching the Hills this past week they featured Tech N9NE, one of the rappers who is a client of my husband's!

That was fantastic for a lot of reasons but the main one is that my husband is no longer allowed to give me crap about watching the deliciously terrible show. His client's music was on there and in some way that probably involves lots of algebra or something, that relates directly back to him, right?

In the score of life, wife: 12,465 husband: 6

Worst mom ever

We were robbed!!!

Oh wait, no we weren't, I'm just the worst mom ever and have not been to the grocery store in like 10 days. Notice we are not low on alcohol though - priorities people!

Since butter and yogurt for dinner won't fly two nights in a row I guess I will go to the grocery store today.

Mommy's Little Helper

This morning the kiddos and I went to the park to burn off some energy. By the time we got home it was time for lunch.

E looked at me and said, "Mom, you work so hard. You should take a rest and let me make lunch." Absolutely, I cheered!

We decided on ants on a log as the main course.

So after I

got out the peanut butter
got out the raisins
got out the knife
got out the cutting board
got out the lunch plates
got out the celery
cleaned the stalks
cut the ends off of stalks
figured out what to serve with the rest of lunch
gathered those items
plated it all
made drinks
set the table

E got to work and assembled the ants on a log


















Then I cleaned Peanut Butter off

the counter
3 knives and 1 spoon
the peanut butter jar
the cutting board
the bottom of the dishwasher
the stool she stood on
her shoe
her elbow
all 10 of her fingers and the 2 palms
her brother's hair
the celery bag
the raisin container
my knee (how did she get it there?)

and cleared the table

Aaahhhh, so relaxing. Isn't she so helpful?

Happy Birthday to my Blog!

It has been a year since I did my very first blog post. Happy Birthday bloggy blog!!! (To be 100% accurate my blog's birthday was 5 days ago but I'm not organized enough to get it exactly on the right day).

For my kids I usually make a cake based on their latest love - like these (kids cakes) but what kind of present do I give my blog?

1) More attention?
2) Better writing?
3) Less inane ramblings?
4) A clean out of the 1,422 blogs I started but never finished?
5) More readers so it feels loved?
6) A stronger grasp of punctuation?

I'm thinking all of the above wrapped up with a pretty bow is the least I can do for it considering what all it has done for me in the past year.

A$$ Cake

Growing up my mom made the BEST cake. It is called Harvey Wallbanger Cake and it is fantastic. We call it "Harvey" for short. I absolutely love it.

Fast forward numerous years and my mom made it a few times when my in-laws were around. They too became Harvey Wallbanger Cake addicts - seriously it is like crack. So I got the recipe from my mother and made it for my father-in-law's birthday one year. It was horrible, I mean truly disgusting. I'm not a great cook, believe me, but I can follow a simple recipe. This one did not work out. It tasted like ass and thus became known as "Ass Cake".

We were all very perplexed and decided my mother had done what Marie Barone did on Everybody Loves Raymond when she left out one specific ingredient for a recipe she gave her daughter-in-law in order to remain the only person who could make her recipe delicious. Didn't seem like my mom's MO but what else could it be - it couldn't be my fine culinary skills, could it? Oh yeah wait, it could, I suck at cooking.

I tried to make Ass Cake on several occasions over the next few years - and successfully I might add - but I was not so successful in making a delicious Harvey. My mother in law even used my recipe and tried it a few times and she is a great cook - but alas - Ass Cake.

If you want to try it - and really who wouldn't want try something called Ass Cake??? - here is the recipe:

Ingredients

• 1 (18.25 ounce) package yellow cake mix
• 1 (3.5 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 5 fluid ounces Galliano liqueur
• 2 fluid ounces vodka
• 1/2 cup orange juice
• 1 cup powdered sugar

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour one 10 inch tube pan.
2. Combine cake mix and pudding mix in a large bowl. Blend in eggs, vegetable oil, 4 ounces Galliano, 1 ounce vodka, and 4 ounces orange juice. Mix batter until smooth and thick and pour into prepared pan.
3. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Let cake cool in pan for 10 minutes then remove and place on cooling rack. Spoon glaze over cake while it is still warm.
4. To Make Glaze: Combine the remaining 1 ounce Galliano, 1 ounce vodka, and 1ounce orange juice with the powdered sugar and blend until smooth. Spoon over warm cake.

If you want to try making a Harvey - use the above recipe only add 4 eggs. Yeppers, we weren't putting eggs in the recipe each time we tried to make it - wow DUMB.

I didn't realize that until this past Thanksgiving. I was at my in-law's house and my father-in-law had requested Ass Cake. Sweet man, he had faith that one day I could do it right. Okay truth be told I actually think he was thoroughly entertained by the fact that it kept coming out so horribly. So I decided to give it one last shot. I sat down with the recipe and started to gather the items.

"Um, Valerie?" I asked

"Yes, darling?" My mother-in-law said.

"Do all cakes need eggs?" I questioned.

"Well, yes I think so. I have never run across a recipe that didn't need them." She answered.

"This recipe has no eggs in it! There is our problem." I shouted

Wow, impressive! We had both make the cake probably 4 times or so and how we never noticed that it didn't call for eggs I will never know. I had written the recipe down wrong!!!

It is sort of like the time I bought some boots, wore them for about a year, and then noticed that one boot was a size 6 and one boot was a size 8 - and strangely I wear a size 7. But that is a whole other story.

So I went online grabbed a Harvey Wallbanger recipe (why I didn't look into the magical world wide web for the recipe years ago to check my recipe I'll never know) which calls for 4 eggs and made a delicious cake! Ass cake no more!

Sometimes I'm a special kind of moron.